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LAST week my new boyfriend and I couldn't see each other for a week.

We were both out of the country and while it wasn't exactly a long time, I was really looking forward to seeing him when we got back.

So, despite him expressing similar sentiments, when he informed me that his plane had been delayed a bit and that he had a nasty cold I came to the inevitable conclusion - he was going to cancel.

I didn't come to this conclusion because of his past behaviour - he has never actually cancelled a date - but because of my and my friends' general experiences of the opposite sex.

I should probably mention at this point that despite me being fully prepared for him to call our arrangement off, my young man didn't actually cancel on this occasion either.

But it still got me thinking. When it comes to making and breaking arrangements it taps into that whole men are from Mars, women are from Venus thing.

If my boyfriend had cancelled because his plane was late and he wasn't feeling very well, to him this would no doubt have been a perfectly sensible course of action. It wouldn't have been because he didn't want to see me but because he thought the best thing would be to go to sleep and see me then next day. Maybe it would even have been because he was worried about not being great company because he was feeling rough or because he didn't want to make me sit up late waiting for him.

But it wouldn't have made any difference how sensible calling off our arrangement seemed to him - I would have been wounded, upset and have felt rejected.

I've asked around my friends and I know I'm not on my own feeling this way.

May says: "I've never cancelled an arrangement with a boyfriend, but I've certainly been on the receiving end of cancelled arrangements on several occasions in the past.

"This has included men to whom the relationship did appear to be important, who have cancelled at the last minute due to the sudden onslaught of a life-threatening illness (i.e. man flu). My current partner did this twice during the first six months of our relationship and, on both occasions, I took it badly as I convinced myself that it was indicative of a lack of commitment on his part.

"We've now lived together for several years and it's become apparent that he likes to indulge himself in the belief that he is ill from time to time and will take to his bed, dosing himself liberally with Lemsip.

"I've come to the conclusion that it is a bit of a man thing to break a date at the last minute for reasons that women (or me at any rate) would not necessarily consider valid and, while this can be very frustrating, unless it is indicative of a more fundamental problem, it is best not to take it too seriously."

Faith says: "If a boyfriend broke arrangements on a regular basis I'd have to seriously think about whether the relationship was worth it. Breaking arrangements is disrespectful and downright irritating, unless of course there are massive extenuating circumstances - family crisis, illness or similar.

"If a bloke cancelled a date with me because he was busy', I'd be right hacked off. If it was a genuine diary mistake or if a friend he hadn't seen in yonks was unexpectedly in town, I reckon it'd be OK but if it became a habit, see above.

"I've cancelled a date or two in the past - with blokes I have started seeing or more accurately blokes who have wanted to start seeing me. If I cancel, it means I'm not bothered - that tells you all you need to know.

"I won't drop everything if my man wants to see me, but I reckon I'd probably drop more than he would. That's just a male/female thing. I tend to think if that's the only time I can see him this week, then I'll cancel something else because I'd rather see him' whereas I guess blokes are more inclined to think well I'm fully booked this week but it's OK because I can see her at the weekend'."

Dave, however, says: "I've been out with women who cancel dates on an hour's notice, and others who've turned up obviously feeling rubbish.

"I think it's practical to cancel if you're feeling awful, or exhausted - as long as you call or text the night before. People may have gone to the trouble of dressing up or arranging a good spot at a restaurant so cancelling on the day is just rude unless you are seriously ill!"

Despite what Dave says, I think there is a gender divide on this one and I think the best thing to do is the old favourite - talk about it.

That means not saying, no, of course I don't mind' when you're secretly sticking pins into an image of your boyfriend or weeping into your pillow but saying, actually, I think that's a bit rude/thoughtless/hurtful'. And in my case, it also means not coming to the conclusion that my boyfriend is inevitably going to cancel and analysing it at length when it hasn't actually happened!

2:06pm Tuesday 15th July 2008

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