Single in the City  RSS feed | About

Comment | Read Comments (3)

WHAT! Why on Earth would you grow a beard?

My girlfriend's appalled expression and the fact that she was shouting and waving her arms about made me suspect she was taking my big news very badly.

This was the reaction of a girlfriend ten years ago when I took my first tentative steps into the world of facial hair.

I smiled to myself of course I knew what this was all about - jealousy.

Unable to grow a beard herself she was desperate to spoil my fun.

I got a similar response from modern-day hotties when I mentioned that I would be growing a variety of beards and moustaches for a feature.

However, I waived away their unimportant opinions, certain that they would change their tune when I was sporting a new set of bachelor whiskers around town.

I had lofty dreams of growing a Poiret-like moustache and twirling it enigmatically to intellectually intimidate those around me or stroking my beard thoughtfully to disguise my idleness.

Or maybe I would emulate a famous beardie like Santa, Lincoln or Jesus.

However, I realised that before I took on the role of a fictitious seasonal character, an American president or the Son of God I would have to see how my beard turned out.

The first stage was the full facial covering.

After three weeks and a certain amount of itching I was rather pleased with my fledgling beard even it did give passers-by the impression that I lived on the streets: I called my new look hobo-erotic.

To test the affect my new beard had on the ladies I walked the streets licking my lips and flashing my whiskers at women who passed by but sadly rather than fall into my arms they just started walking a little faster.

I had to accept that after my facial hair passed the stage of designer stub ble my beard had taken on a life of its own and this was never going to pull in the Southampton foxes.

I therefore decided to cut back to a goatee, my beard of choice in the long distant days when I used to attract women by the bucketful.

Etching the edges of my little beard brought a nostalgic tear to my eye but also reintroduced me to my old foe - symmetry.

I painstakingly tried to keep the sides at an equal length.

After several attempts, and with the aid of a spirit level, I was finally able to come up with something that didn't make me look lopsided.

I think I wore my goatee surprisingly well but I knew I had to get rid of it.

When I first grew it the women I hoped to attract told me I looked like a skinny Ricky Gervais.

However now, five years later, with a new goatee their comments have become: "You look like Ricky Gervais."

I knew if I kept my goatee there would be the risk that in another five years they would be saying: "If you went to the gym a bit more you would look like Ricky Gervais."

For the sake of research I fleetingly experimented with a variety of moustaches but I thought these made me look a bit like a simpleton so they were quickly rejected.

A quick poll of local lovelies seemed to suggest that the goatee was the best of a hairy bunch.

2:02pm Tuesday 15th July 2008

Print

Email this

Comment

Add your comment

Name:
Email: *
Location:
**
	e.g. 123-123
Comment: Please note: All HTML tags will be ignored. Format Text:
By posting a comment, I confirm that I have read and agree to the terms of use. Comments are not moderated but we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention and we may delete inappropriate postings. Please treat other people with respect. You must not post anything that is abusive, indecent, unlawful or defamatory. Remember, you are personally liable for what you post on this site. If you wish to complain about a comment, contact us here.
* Your email address will not be displayed ** To avoid register now or login